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10 The Insightful Leader He starts screaming a list of my shortcomings—that I’m clumsy and unla- dylike and that I purposely try to make him look bad. My eyes start to fill with tears, but then I remember my mantra: “Don’t show your feelings. You’ll only make it worse.” I pull back my shoulders, raise my head, and look at him with steadfastness. I don’t break. It works! I produce a smile of contempt that screams, “I hate you!” He takes the photo and leaves satisfied. This survival skill is now set. The sensitive, empathic child who would cry over a dead bunny in the road is gone. The message is clear: “Don’t show your emotions. Stay in your analytic brain.” Even recounting this memory raises all the emotions of the event, and my chest feels constricted. In this moment, there is no mature under- standing that his mental challenges made him incapable of empathy there is only the immediate reliving of the event, and this is powerful. The insights are lightning bolts of realization. Upon hearing my original description of the reason for the unfriendly behavior, you might have thought, “Oh, her dad didn’t show emotion, so it was a role-model thing—case closed.” As a coach, you might help me acknowledge that my dad was not a great role model. However, this con- clusion only scratches the surface. It’s not what made me rise from adver- sity. It’s not what gave me my incredible strengths that got me noticed. Not only that, but my statement of logic wasn’t even correct. I essentially said, “My dad didn’t show any emotion.” That’s totally incorrect. A rage attack is an explosion of emotion. The true statement is that he was very adept at showing his unbridled emotion. The reality is that he was inca- pable of empathizing with others. He was certainly a taskmaster and a poor role model, but he did show his emotions. It is important for me to acknowledge my adversity. Only by reliving this as an adult can I see the leadership qualities it gave me. Only then can I be thankful for the survival skills that helped me navigate a dys- functional childhood. Decades ago, when I worked through my leadership problem of being highly analytic and unfriendly, I didn’t know how to uncover the source of this career limiter. Instead, I made a conscious effort to try to be friend- lier. For the next several weeks, I slowed myself down and spent time asking my employees about their kids, their weekends, and their com- mutes. I put placeholders in my calendar at the end of each project to celebrate accomplishments. I smiled more. I chatted more. But deep inside I still felt like I was wasting time trying to be friendly. While I asked about my colleagues’ kids, my brain chatter reminded me about all the things I needed to get done. I hardly heard their responses. I did want to