10 Relax, It’s Just Sex
put their car keys in a bag or box and women later blindly pulled out a set
to determine who they would go home with) introduced a random factor
into the process, and “social clubs” were developed as meeting and greet-
ing places for couples looking for like-minded others to negotiate trades.
The sexual revolution of the 1960s ushered in a time of permissiveness
in which couples began experimenting with reducing or eliminating rela-
tionship restrictions. The notion that sex and love should be given unre-
strictedly was a primary value of the “free love” era of the 1970s, a time
in which many couples began to explore the concept of consensual
non-monogamy.17
After a return to more conservative relationship values in the 1980s, the
cultural values pendulum again started a swing toward the more liberal
end of the continuum in the 1990s with the rise of the “recreational sex”
movement. (For a good time, call up Em & Lo’s humorous dictionary of
rec sex terms.)18
In the 1990s, many urban singles opted off the traditional relationship
trajectory and instead developed networks of “friends with benefits.” Evolv-
ing a somewhat novel variant to the exclusivist model, these individuals
continued to date several others indefi nitely without making significant
restrictive commitments to anyone; for some, this pattern became a more-
or-less permanent and preferred lifestyle.
For couples, the end of the last millennium saw the beginnings of an
upsurge of interest in exploring ways in which the partners may be con-
sensually more receptive to sexual/romantic engagements with others
without sacrificing their primary relationship. By the end of the first decade
of this century, the prevalence of involvement in such non-traditional rela-
tionship arrangements such as open marriages, polyamory, and three-(or
more)somes had reached a level of popularity that it now may be regarded
as a new counterculture.
Agreements
“Harmony is pure love,
For love is complete agreement.”19
—Lope de Vega
Every couple has some kind of agreement that defines their relation-
ship. In fact, it could be argued that if there were no agreement, there
wouldn’t be a couple, just two individuals, each doing whatever he or she
wanted with no regard for the other.
